dear jen, let me first say that while i made a joke at your expense on my homepage, i think you might be ready to hear what i have to say. you may be rich and skinny but no one’s “just fine” all the time, no matter how many magazines you try to convince otherwise (lindsay and britney, i’m looking in your direction). i bet i’d like you a little more if you dropped the fembot act and admitted that you spent last weekend binging on pizza and ring dings while indulging in a molly ringwald film fest and petting your cat. it would make you real, and i wouldn’t feel so weird for doing it, too (note to self: buy more hot fudge).

sure, you had your heart broken while the world watched, your career goes up and down more than a playground teeter totter at recess and we still have to witness the effects of that stupid “rachel” haircut. i’m betting that a well-meaning publicist told you to put on a happy face and focus on your triumphs rather than your slumps but sister, listen up. this mama suggests you drop the bs and come down to non-hollywood, regular gal level.

i have seen my friends freak out after a dude screws them over (and guess what; none of those dudes even come close to looking like brad pitt, john mayer or gerard butler). i have ridden shotgun while they stalked their ex’s facebook profile for any photographic evidence of the chick he’s now “involved” with. i have stood by their side as we trashed, mocked and hurled voodoo curses towards girlfriend 2.0. we were not kind. we did not smile graciously. we did not pretend to be happy about it. we wanted vengeance, but due to the fact that we are civilians with nothing more than a few social network followers and a bad attitude rather than being international stars of stage and screen, we didn’t experience any sense of accomplishment or closure. you, on the other hand, have the media on speed dial. you, my dear, could be the voice of bitter women everywhere.

we’re a gigantic population, you know. we buy overpriced organic foods in pretty packages, drink plenty of moderately-priced wine (also in pretty packages) and spontaneously purchase a lot of random, unnecessary stuff (look in my closet and you’ll see what i mean). if you shelved the “i’m a strong woman who doesn’t let anything get me down” act, everyone with a product aimed at women our age would be beating down your door with an endorsement deal. yeah, yeah…i know you did a vitamin water campaign a while back, but i’ve certainly never met anyone who drinks that stuff. slap your mug on something a little more exciting, though, and i’m gonna pay attention.

but please…less “love happens” and “he’s just not that into you” and more “friends with money” and “the good girl.” after all, quality really does attract quality…unless you’re not looking for mr. prince charming and you really are just fine – if that’s the case, then you should probably just put the kibosh on answering relationship questions. that whole pollyanna attitude is so not hot.

your pal,
carrie